my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
he puts the penis in happiness.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
