everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
