Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
