I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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