Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
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I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
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I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Couch. On fire.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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