I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
