Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
