I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
worst night to have a conscience
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
