The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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