went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
