She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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