i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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