sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
