i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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