bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
