You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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