It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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