Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize