i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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