Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
