one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
