My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
