I just pynch a tree in the face
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
