I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
