Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Randomize
