I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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