She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
