explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
