When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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