OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Randomize
