I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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