just come out here and I will go home with you...
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
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Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
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So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize