It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
