when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
