Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Drunk is a universal language darling
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