eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
