I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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