i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
