I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
