my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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