hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
