If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I just googled if crying burns calories
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
