i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
