i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
