I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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