My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
