He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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