Fine. I'll sleep in my office
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
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we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize