Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
40s are totally the cure
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
