I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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