That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
