Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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