My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Randomize
