Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
