So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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