From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
