dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Randomize
