just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
