How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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