We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
