Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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