if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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